Not That Pissed Off, Considering…

By Agnes Smyth-Jones

I don’t know why it’s only me writing this column. It seems a lot of people, in a lot of places, are pretty pissed off. Canadian senators, Syrians, Obama supporters, Blue Bomber fans. But I’m the one that gets paid the big bucks, and the buck stops here. So, things that currently piss me off:

6. Blistex Deep Moisture Renewal. In order to apply this lip balm, you have to hold it with both hands so that the Blistex gunk protrudes enough (and stays protruded) to touch your lips. What do you want to bet that it was some flaccid designer dude with a nose ring who designed this junk? Why don’t they call it Blistex Flaccid Two-Hander?

5. Bookstores filled with cheap crap from China, run by a chirpy CEO who says that everything’s great, even when nobody’s in the stores to buy the cheap crap. Why don’t they just sell the real estate? I prefer shopping at dollar stores anyway.

4. Compound interest.  Speaking of bucks, anybody else remember when we were told our future retirements were guaranteed by the simple financial calculation known as ‘compound interest’? We put money away in stocks, RRSPs, or the old-fashioned savings account. Five hundred dollars became five thousand and so on until retirement beckoned from a sunny Caribbean beach. What the hell happened? I received a statement from my bank the other day telling me my real estate RRSP had earned exactly $11.57 interest since I opened it in 1986. Thank God my late husband Rodney had the good sense to invest in Stinger missiles when he had the chance.

3. Student loans. So you want to get a PhD in philosophy? Seems okay if you are independently wealthy. But no. The federal government lends you $150,000 so that you can graduate to an unpaid internship at an online magazine, then spend the rest of your life working at Taco Bell to pay off the loan. Meanwhile plumbers and electricians are too busy vacationing at a sunny Caribbean beach to make house calls.

2. Ugly words.  Is there an onomatopoeic connection between new ugly activities and the new ugly words used to describe them? For example, ‘fracking’. It sounds like a space opera swear word but it means cross-drilling into your neighbour’s backyard, pumping water to release oil, then moving on after contaminating everyone’s drinking supply. Or ‘blog’. It combines, I guess, blot and frog. But it means to hog Internet bandwidth with breathless ramblings on your boss, your summer vacation, your latest shopping expedition. (BTW, my editor assures me this is not a blog.)

1. Miley Cyrus.  That’s it, there’s no more to say. Miley Cyrus. Long may she piss me off.